Notes from the Rollerbag

Travel, to someone working at Initech that spends their perfunctory eight hours puttering away in a cubicle, must seem like a non-stop world of delight: nights in plush accommodations with room service, luxurious dinners with adoring distributor reps, strolls in Central Park.

Not quite so.

The world of sales is highly unglamorous.

To wit, exhibit A:
I am on a middle seat on a 757 from Las Vegas to DFW, sleeping peacefully, headphones in, some death metal blaring away.

The hum of the engines lowers in pitch, and the familiar sequence that tells me we're making our initial descent into the city du jour begins, and I awaken slowly, like a wood elf from a midsummer afternoon idyll.

My left leg is warm and damp. I touch my jeans. And now chunky, as well.

I open my eyes to a three year-old with matching chunks on his chin being held by a sheepish mother that shrugs and gives me an underwhelming "sorry."

Sorry, indeed.

Note: if your child pukes on an unrelated passenger on the airplane, and said passenger is sleeping, do not hesitate to wake the stranger up. He or she will not mind, or at least, will mind far less than discovering the remains of baby's lunch spattered upon them.

A few other bits of advice, when traveling:

1) Be aware of the limits of your personal space. I won't go into detail on this one but use your imagination.

2) You may have just gotten out of bed, but don't dress like you're still in it. Velour sweat suits and plush furry slippers may be de rigueur for Saturday cartoons and Cheerios, but they do not make for appropriate travel wear.

3) Realize that people are at their lowest level of cerebral activity when boarding and deplaning an aircraft (and when merging onto a freeway). It's easy. Locate your seat (hint: it's the alphanumeric quantity in big bold letters on your boarding pass). Upon finding your seat, throw one bag up top and one at your feet, remove yourself from the aisle, and sit quietly. No talking or fun of any kind. Upon landing, do not unbuckle your seatbelt and stand up in the aisle at the first available opportunity. This is both unnecessary and annoying (or perhaps annoying because it is unnecessary). Anyhoo, calm yourself.

4) Read the signs. Yes, there are information kiosks and gate agents, but consider them as a last resort when trying to determine the relatively simple (i.e., the location of your gate, or whether the plane is boarding). Just because they exist to be of assistance does not mean they aren't thoroughly unimpressed with your foolish inquiries.

5) The extra shot with the super size beer is never a good idea, and moreover, it's not that great of a bargain, if you do the math.

6) Never check a bag. Nevah-evah. Going for a whole week, you say. That’s what guest laundry is for at the hotel where you'll be staying. Need seven changes of clothes? No, you don't. Seven pairs of underwear, most would argue, is a necessity, but the person you work with on Wednesday will never be the wiser that the pants you're wearing you wore the day before when working with someone else. Simplify.

Until next time, may all your departures be on time and your arrivals early.

Blessings and cheers,

Thomas the Sales Guy